I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
