Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
my liver is dry heaving
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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