drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
