how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
