I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
