Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
barbara walters just said penis...
I could make wine with my vomit
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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