i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
