I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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