I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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