THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
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