we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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