I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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