I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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