forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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