I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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