a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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