No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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