I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
