You made me cry and you don't even care
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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