you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
