I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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