I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
