Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
