We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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