I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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