Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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