This is not my ceiling
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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