I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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