Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
