Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i wish my penis had a tongue
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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