He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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