I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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