As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
