I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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