I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
