people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
