Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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