Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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