All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
