someone owes me an orgasm
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.