My cat gives me a boner
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed