Texts From Last Night

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  (416): View more from Ontario

  If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.

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  (416): If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay. http://tfl.nu/09z9
  Replies (10) Good night (2133) Bad night (960)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased

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  (617): Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased http://tfl.nu/sw63
  Replies (19) Good night (3750) Bad night (896)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!

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  (850): i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her! http://tfl.nu/mu36
  Replies (12) Good night (500) Bad night (3188)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.

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  (506): He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants. http://tfl.nu/uu5r
  Replies (16) Good night (5069) Bad night (961)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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  (419): fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back. http://tfl.nu/wq3e
  Replies (11) Good night (4598) Bad night (1886)
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  (607): View more from New York

  im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

  (607): View more from New York

  way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

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  (607): im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour. (607): way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses http://tfl.nu/5by3
  Replies (10) Good night (4648) Bad night (1220)
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though

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  (708): we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though http://tfl.nu/249z
  Replies (4) Good night (2572) Bad night (606)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.

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  (617): he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes. http://tfl.nu/atub
  Replies (9) Good night (547) Bad night (2487)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend

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  (706): Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend http://tfl.nu/biar
  Replies (5) Good night (1764) Bad night (648)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time

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  (724): Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time http://tfl.nu/5zkl
  Replies (4) Good night (494) Bad night (1211)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.

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  (306): We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned. http://tfl.nu/jttg
  Replies (1) Good night (550) Bad night (301)
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  (+81): View more from

  I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.

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  (+81): I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue. http://tfl.nu/z1d0
  Replies (0) Good night (247) Bad night (567)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.

  (425): View more from Washington

  I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.

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  (707): Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning. (425): I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation. http://tfl.nu/7xvm
  Replies (3) Good night (644) Bad night (369)
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  We're like Lewis and Clark

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  (920): There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight (202): We're like Lewis and Clark http://tfl.nu/83ys
  Replies (2) Good night (552) Bad night (207)
• Favorite

  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.

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  (787): Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles. http://tfl.nu/pkda
  Replies (1) Good night (715) Bad night (554)

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