Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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