Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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