Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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