I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
