no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
