i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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