I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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