update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
