Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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