Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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