and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
