After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
