Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
