I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
