I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
