Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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