Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
